true stuff.
hard stuff.

"How do you correctly set Biblical boundaries in a relationship where there is never any admittance of wrong and only justifications as to why they do things?"

   Boundaries are a hard thing to navigate. I mean, after all, we're dealing with other human beings who also have feelings. It gets tricky (and sticky) really fast. I can't even say that I am a good source to answer this question, because, at times, I know I have not had a clue as to where I should begin.

   So, how do we do this?

   We must first remember some key truths. We are to magnify Christ, and to do so, we must look at His example. He is indeed Love. But, His character is not only love! He is FULL of grace and truth (John 1:14-17). Scripture does not just say He has some grace and some truth, as if He is just an ordinary, good Person. Instead, it says the He is the glorious "One and Only... full of grace and truth." He is not just love, He is the very essence of both grace and truth. Without Him, there would be no perfect grace or truth. In magnifying our Savior we have to remember that promoting grace without truth ends up distorting grace. Likewise, promoting truth without grace distorts truth, as said by my pastor just this morning. So, in approaching any subject, we must first remember to be like Jesus. We must strive to be both gracious and truthful.

   I haven't been able to get 1 Peter 1:13-23 out of my mind since that question was posed to me several months ago. . As I read and reread this passage in 1 Peter, I see a call to holiness that resonates within me. I have taken several phrases in the verses and broken them down:

   "prepare your minds for action, and be sober-minded" -vs 13
         In Greek, this literally meant "to gird up the loins of one's mind." Basically, to be prepared in every situation. There's a sense of vigilance and preparedness that strike me as something applicable to developing proper boundaries in hard relationships. If we are not careful we can be swayed easily, as "bad company corrupts good morals" (1 Cor. 15:33).  We must strive to please Christ in our lives which means that boundaries are important. Lest it seems I am taking this out of context, the elect that Peter is speaking to in 1 Peter was enduring suffering of all kinds (vs. 6), most of which was persecution at the hands of others. So, it is safe to say that being wise by keeping one's head out of the clouds and grounded in the Word for continuous renewing of the mind with truth is key!

   "set your hope fully on the grace" -vs 13
         It comes back to grace (receiving what we do not deserve) after the admonition to preparing our minds with truth. What a glorious grace we have been bestowed by Jesus! How can we not bestow it upon others? The grace He has given us spurns us on in hope as we wait for Jesus and His Kingdom reign. Do not lose heart when the boundaries are tough and the hurt runs deep. Instead, claim His grace and hope as your own as you continue faithfully following Jesus' example when it comes to relationships.

   "be holy" -vs 14-16
        This is not just just a passing thought. Instead, it is a command to forsake our sinful desires by choosing to be holy instead. Holiness is a separation from the world. Holiness is visible to people around us if we are rightly dividing the Word and practicing it. Holiness points others to Christ. And, our holy God instills holiness in us through the Son's sacrifice and the Spirit's work in our lives. When we are drenched in holiness, our actions in hard relationships will still glorify the Lord as we actively seek to show His love, grace and truth through the lens of His holiness.

   "love one another deeply, from the heart" -vs 22
        Love is what the world craves. They think they can find it in relationships or in their performance or in other people's opinions of them. People search for it every day, and the only answer is Jesus. He IS love. It's part of His glorious character. If we are striving to embrace truth, grace, vigilance, hope, and holiness in our lives, the end result will be a better sense of how to love. We aren't supposed to be sappy in our love for others. We are not supposed to enable bad behaviors or allow injury to others (not just physically, but emotionally, mentally etc.) or be walked all over because of a false sense of distorted truth or grace. Instead, we need to be able to identify how Christ loves. He loves us with wild abandon, not for the things we have done, but because He chooses to love us despite our shortcomings. He loves us with every sunrise and sunset, regardless of what we do or do not do for His Kingdom. But, His love in not a pampering love. It does not flatter or puff up. It does not boast grand things of us. It does not promote us or allow us to revel in ourselves. Instead, the Lord's love perfects us as He smooths the rough edges and softens all the calluses. He requires truth and holiness. He demands our obedience. And, because His love is so unfathomable, He wants our best even though we deserve the worst.
         In translation to our relationships with people, I believe the Lord wants us to love each other so deeply that we're consistently showering others (even those hardest to love) with grace and truth. Not a grace that over extends and turns into a faux grace, allowing and tolerating things that don't matter, but a grace (and mercy) that covers over past wrongs (even when there is no apology) while hanging on the very strength of the Lord to give (because, in our own strength we can't give always give it). Not with a truth that is shouted and loud, boasting even, but with a truth that is real and genuine and full of love as we unfold the deep well of truth that is the Word of God. It is in the consistent pouring out of ourselves that Christ is fully glorified. He does not simply suggest we love, instead, He admonishes that we love deeply.

   This just scratches the surface. It is only one passage of Scripture. But, when it comes to hard relationships, 1 Peter is a treasure of truth and love from our good Father. We have to remember grace and truth. We have to be consistently renewing our minds to be prepared for anything. We cannot lose hope, but must cling to the One who is the author of our faith, the One who endured the hurt and scorn of the worst sort of people (aka: all of mankind). We have to be holy, separated for Jesus. And, we must love deeply.

   I can't even say there a certain step process to answer my posed question. I believe it varies with every relationship. But, I do know we serve a God who gives us wisdom with every step if only we ask. I do know that there is a wealth of truth and love that pours out of the Word every time the pages are opened. I also know that my Savior forgave me at my worst and has shown me truth and grace and love in ways that are unimaginable, and maybe, just maybe I can do that, too. It won't be easy. The boundaries are going to have to be thought out. My weakness will get the best of me and I'll wonder if it's even worth it to keep trying, to keep loving. I'll most definitely stumble and trip and drag myself through the mud a bunch of times as I try to obey and fail miserably. But, thanks be to Jesus, He does not leave me there in my sinful state, for His perfecting love encourages repentance and urges me on to love others as He does.

   Biblical boundaries embody truth and grace and love and hope and the fear of a holy God (not man). Simply put, those boundaries look like how Jesus treated (and still treats) everyone. And, it's all in the pages of the Word. We just have to seek, because when we seek, we always find Him there. And, because He loves us, He always meets us there.

   Over here thankful for a perfecting love that changes me and softens me and makes me more like Jesus in all the sticky, messy, hard parts of loving others.