Jesus is the one i'm serving.

...He's the One that i'm thinking about. Just thought you all should know.

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There's something about patience and weariness that go hand in hand. I'm sure you all have experienced it. You're patient and patient and patient, until you think that what you're being patient for is right outside the door. Then, you go to open that door and find out that there's nothing on the other side. But there is a hope inside of you that continues to hold onto that patience, for we know that God works all things together for good for those who love Him. That good is not necessarily what we would consider as the best thing here on earth. No, it is THE BEST thing from God's point of view. Isn't that reassuring?
Back to patience. Colossians says, "whatever you do, do it with all your heart, for God, not for men." He's the One that we are serving. Serving, other than washing the feet of others and caring for widows and loving on orphans, can be done inside the toil of our patience. If our focus is correct, than we don't need answers. We'll be patient regardless of what we know. We'll hold on, for Christ desires to give us His ultimately great plan.

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Did you read all that? Ironic, I can write about this stuff, yet my head tells me the opposite. Right now, in the middle of my patience, I wonder if I should just take things into my own hands. Maybe I should just take care of everything by myself. Maybe i'll find a new place to live. maybe i'll make my own job, somehow. maybe i'll use my mouth to fix some things. Oh wait. If i do it all on my own... I'll fail.

I was talking to Patrick about all that we/i don't have yet. I've been waiting as patiently as I can. We've been waiting. I asked him why he thinks the house is taking forever, why he thinks i don't have a job, and left out a few other things. he just said, "don't you understand, we're being tested?" Why certainly, I understand that. But, i was like, "I know we are. I'm just trying to figure out why. What am I supposed to be learning?" He replied, "God tests us, but doesn't have to tell us why!" Oh. Right. But, this one time, i just want His voice to call down to me. You know, like in the Old Testament?! It's still possible. I know it is.

So, i'm back to being patient without knowing why we're being tested... or refined (whichever you prefer). I've been patient before in trial. Trials of loss. Trials of school. Trials of pure patience. I can look back and see the good that came from it (for God works for the GOOD of those who love Him, remember?). I lost a sibling just months before it was due to come into this world. my heart broke. but, i was patient and waited upon the Lord. I now have another sibling, with blue eyes. He's the best cuddler in the world... especially in the mornings when i hide from mom with him before school. i made it through my last years of highschool and all of college with their trials. I am now done with school and my knowledge helps me function and appreciate God even more. and, i waited for my best friend in a lot of different ways. But, after almost four years, part of my dream for life came true. I'm now a wife.

see what remembering can do? It brings back all the blessings that came from patience and belief in the One that i am serving. Being un-patient is selfish. Why do i deserve what i already have, let alone what i am waiting for.

maybe i'll never get this house. maybe i'll never get the jobs i thought i would. but that only means, i'll be in a different place, maybe even on the otherside of the world. that means, i'll be doing an even better job. for whatever is of God's will, is the best thing that could happen.

remind me the next time i whine about be patient. remind me the next time i doubt God's faithfulness. remind me. remind others.

for, Jesus is the One i'm serving. He is the One i'm thinking about.
i don't want to think about me. just Him.
only Him.